1. A new study found that sex burns calories – to which I say, duh. I offer an even bigger duh to Julie Frappier, the lead author of the study who says, “Both men and women reported that sexual activity was highly enjoyable and more appreciated than the 30 min exercise session on the treadmill.” UM, WHO APPRECIATES RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL MORE THAN HAVING SEX? Science, sometimes you try too hard. But here’s the practical takeaway: Ladies burn 3.1 calories per minute (on average) during sex. Fellas, however, burn 4.2 calories per minute. (Ugh. So over male privilege.)
2. A 25-year-old Scotsman named Andrew Davidson attempted to have sex with the drinks trolley on a train. As he made the moves on the trolley, he shouted, “I want to kiss you! I want to fuck you!” His solicitor, Grant Bruce, claims that Davidson has no recollection of what transpired on the train, “but he accepts he behaved in this manner.”
3. Here’s another piece of sex news pertaining to the Scots. In the medieval, postcard-perfect portion of Edinburgh, “saunas” have long appeared on the streets, in between shops and bars and restaurants. And by saunas I actually mean sex dens. Authorities have apparently known about these for ages, but have never cared enough to pursue charges. This summer, however, the bobbies (or coppers, if you like) started raiding these saunas, which were strewn with condoms, and arresting sex workers. Now it’s looking like they’ll finally be criminalized.
4. In a pretty uncomfortable turn of events, parents who called a child safety hotline in Denver were subsequently connected to a phone sex line. Apparently, the sexy chat number they dialed formerly belonged to The Colorado Department of Transportation, which had owned the child safety line. 30 Rock digression: Remember when Jack is talking to someone on the phone and talking to Liz Lemon at the same time? So whatever he says has to work for both the phone conversation and the Liz conversation? That’s how I imagine this whole scenario transpired. A real double entendre fest.
5. There’s a new, fluffy species of peacock spider that has a wildly adorable mating ritual. Males flap their flamboyant and boldy-patterned abdominal flaps to court ladies. (Human males, take note.) What’s cool about this ritual is that there’s actually the possibility that the female peacock spider will eat the male, so the male must try his absolute hardest to signal that he’s trying to fuck, to avoid being attacked/eaten. (Fine line, fine line, I will say.) If the man is lucky enough to convince the female to have relations with him, the sperm comes out of his mouth. Obsessed.
6. “The Loudest Voice in the Room,” an upcoming book on Fox News executive Roger Ailes, alleges that Ailes offered television producer Randi Harrison $100 a week if she agreed to have sex with him whenever he wanted. Noooooo.
7. If we are to believe most articles on the state of youths in America, we know that young people are sexting with increasing frequency and fervor. A new Pediatrics study concluded that kids between 12 and 14 sext like crazy, and, that these sexters are more likely to make out and have sex than their non-sexting counterparts. The results showed that 22% of a pool of 420 7th graders sexted. WHAT? When I was in 7th grade, I didn’t even know what a penis was, let alone sexual intercourse. (Nowadays, I know what both are!) I really make a concerted effort not to be scandalized by sexting articles, but honestly no one should be sexting in 7th grade. All 7th graders should just sit quietly at home and wait for their acne to stop, and then reemerge in 9th grade. Also, I will say: I’m very bitter about never having received a dick pick. And I’m sure I’ll regret writing those words.
8. This is the most interesting thing to occur in New Mexico, or anywhere, really, in a very long time. A woman named Jennifer McCarthy pulled a handgun out of her vagina and pointed it at her boyfriend’s head after a heated disagreement about the existence of UFOs. Apparently she asked him, “Who is crazy, you or me?” I can’t.