I’ve lived in Brooklyn about 8 months now, and I’ve done some pretty Brooklyn things. I really apologize for using “Brooklyn” as an adjective, but it’s just going to have to be that way, because there isn’t a word yet for the combination of alternative, white, faux-grunge, artisanal, locally-sourced, hip, and pretentious.
1. I went on a date with an artisanal popsicle maker who looked like Stephen Merchant.
2. I work out in an abandoned warehouse repurposed as a gym; they play Velvet Underground.
3. I’ve made quinoa a few times, often putting it into a thermos and bringing it to work for lunch.
4. Sometimes I’ll bring my laptop to a café, where I’ll sip on Americanos and pretend to write a screenplay for hours.
5. I read the New Yorker now, and make a point of planning on going to art exhibits listed.
6. I have a leather jacket. I wear it from time to time.
7. Almost every article of clothing I own is broken or torn, and people mistake this for a concerted thing.
8. I’m impoverished, I promise, but yesterday I spent $8 on a Mast Brother’s chocolate bar.
9. I hate Kombocha, because it tastes like stale vinegar, but I keep buying it and retrying it, thinking, “Maybe this time it will be different.” It’s never different.
10. I try my hardest to exclusively go to bars that have $5 shot + beer specials.
11. Did I mention I went on a date with an artisanal popsicle maker who looked like Stephen Merchant? He was also in a band.